hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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