If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a search helicopter?!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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