I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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