just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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