OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
