Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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