I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
