Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
