mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
