Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
