my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
