If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
