My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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