Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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