Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
