the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
