i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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