You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
