I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
