By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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