You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
