apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
