So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
