I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
