its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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