People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize