I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I cut my penus on the lid.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
3 2 1 whiskey
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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