While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
