dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The beer is more important than you right now.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
