I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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