someone threw a dead crab at me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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