Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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