I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Help. Why am I so naked?
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