i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
