Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
