meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i would punch a child for taco bell
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
