I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
