dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
