I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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