nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
