I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
