Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
