last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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