Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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