Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
