she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wish you could order shots online.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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