i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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