so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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