what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
