I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
