dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
