Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
