When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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