Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
